How to Deal with Difficult People

Photo by Tim Mossholder

Have you ever had someone close to you, maybe a coworker or a family member, provoke you day after day?

This story is about a Biblical woman named Hannah, who had such a person in her life.

Her name was Peninnah. (I’ll call her “Penny” for short.) You see, Penny had children, but Hannah did not, and it was heartbreaking.  Penny was Hannah’s rival, her husband’s second wife. His name was Elkanah. (BTW, I cannot imagine my husband having a second or third wife!) Elkanah loved Hannah, but he couldn’t understand the depth of her pain. (See a list of tips for dealing with difficult people at the end.)

Penny was provoking her daily with her facial and body expressions as well as words to deliberately annoy and anger Hannah.

I have three children by the grace of God. I can only imagine Hannah’s pain. My heart goes out to women who have lost a baby or a child or who have wanted but never have been able to get pregnant. If this is you, my heart goes out to you, especially if you experience the added pain of having someone belittle and badger you because of this. No one can understand your pain unless they have lost a loved one or been in your shoes.

Back to the story. Year after year, Elkanah took his two wives and all his sons and daughters to worship the Lord Almighty at Shiloh, where the Tabernacle was located. Elkanah would give portions of the meat to his wife Penny and all his children. But to Hannah, he gave a double portion because he loved her, and the Lord had closed her womb. Penny provoked Hannah to irritate her until she wept and couldn’t eat any longer. Penny found satisfaction in Hannah’s pain.

Maybe Penny was unloved by Elkanah?
You know the saying,
“Wounded people wound people.”
Regardless, this doesn’t justify Penny’s actions.

This was a dysfunctional pattern that went on year after year. Hannah’s husband tried to console her by saying, “Why are you downhearted? Don’t I mean more to you than ten sons?” His words did not comfort her, however well-meaning they were.

Hannah waited until everyone was done eating and drinking before she got up, perhaps because she didn’t want to make a scene by leaving the table. So, once they finished, which probably took several hours, Hannah stood up, left her seat, went out, and made a vow to the Lord.

According to the story, “In bitterness of soul, Hannah wept much and prayed to the Lord. And she made a vow, saying, ‘O Lord Almighty, if you will only look upon your servant’s misery and remember me and not forget your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the Lord for all the days of his life, and no razor will ever be used on his head.” NIV (1 Samuel 1:10, 11)

Her vow to the Lord was specific — she asked for a son. She promised God that if He gave her a son, then she would dedicate him, “give him to the Lord for all the days of his life, and no razor will ever be used on his head.” (I imagine that he probably looked like ZZ Top in his older years.)

And when she got pregnant and had a son, whom she named Samuel, that’s exactly what she did!  Verse 24 says, “After he (Samuel) was weaned, she took the boy with her, young as he was, along with a three-year-old bull, an ephah of flour (about 22 liters or 81 cups), and a skin of wine and brought him to the house of the Lord at Shiloh. When they had slaughtered the bull, they brought the boy to the priest Eli, and she said to him, ‘As surely as you live, my lord, I am the woman who stood here…praying to the Lord, I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him. So now I give him to the Lord. For his whole life, he will be given over to the Lord.’” (1 Samuel 1:26-28)

Wow! Hannah had the guts, the courage, to fulfill her promise, her vow to God. And her son was living proof of God’s answer to her prayers! Eli, who was old by now, accepted this gift of raising Samuel. I wonder what Eli was thinking at that moment. Eli certainly wasn’t a perfect father. “His sons were wicked men; they had no regard for the Lord.” (1 Samuel 2:12) His wife isn’t even mentioned.

My father was a chaplain in the U.S. Army. I can tell you for a fact that there’s a lot of pressure on “CKs” — “Chaplain’s Kids” — to be the role models for their chapel, church, school, and neighborhood. It’s an unfair burden to bear. It’s important to remember to pray for our spiritual leaders and their families. They have a direct impact on our congregations, our communities, and our countries.

Thinking of God’s answer to Hannah’s prayer also brought me to tears. To be barren and to pray to God and have God answer my prayers would be so fulfilling, so overwhelming. (I don’t understand why God doesn’t always answer our prayers — that’s an important topic to discuss at another time.) I imagine it must have been incredibly difficult for Hannah to keep her side of the deal with God by giving up her only child, whom she had longed for for so many years. But Hannah prayed, and her heart rejoiced in the Lord. (1 Samuel 2:1)

It was difficult for me to let my grown children leave me; it must have been doubly hard for Hannah, whose son was so young. Nevertheless, I want to follow Hannah’s example of praying, obeying, and fulfilling my purpose in life. She gave up her one and only child, Samuel, to God, by giving him to Eli to raise him. Although it was painful for me to see my children leave for college, I was also thankful and confident in God’s provision. I truly admire Hannah’s integrity in fulfilling her vow to God. I want to be a noble woman, a woman of my word, like her. Have you ever been misunderstood?  How did it make you feel?  Have you ever misunderstood others?  Have you tried to resolve these misunderstandings with others?  Hannah did.  She clearly clarified Eli’s false narrative about her situation.  Eli thought she was drunk.  Probably because most of the people at the festival were drunk and he saw her lips moving, but her voice was not heard.  He looked at her outward appearance instead of seeking to listen and hear her story.  When Eli accused her of being drunk, she could’ve been highly offended.  She could’ve been justified in giving him a good tongue-lashing.  But instead, she respectfully told him the truth about her situation.  She was forthright.  She didn’t hide behind a mask, a fake smile, or get angry.  She told him the truth behind her tears.  This is what we need to do with one another today.  We need to listen more and speak less.  We need to put ourselves into one another’s shoes before hastily judging one another.  “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.”  James 1:9.

What I also like about Hannah is that there is no record of her griping and complaining about Penny. Instead, she goes to her knees and cries out to God.

If Hannah lived today, she could have gone on social media to post her pain. She could have telephoned, Face-timed or Zoomed her friends about her problems. I’m not saying it’s wrong to talk with your friends about your problems. It’s good to have a few trusted friends. It’s also good to know when it’s time to see a good therapist to help you sort through your emotions and life circumstances. But what I am saying is that she didn’t gossip. She didn’t slander Penny, Eli, Elkanah, or anyone.

I have struggled in this area. It is something I have been working on for years. I want my words to be fruitful and to build others up. I want to be truthful and wise enough to know how to answer everyone. That will take a lifetime for me to work on. But I definitely see Hannah as a role model of a godly woman.

After she gave her son to Eli the priest, Hannah prayed to the Lord, “My heart rejoices in the Lord; in the Lord my horn is lifted high. My mouth boasts over my enemies, for I delight in your deliverance. There is no one holy like the Lord; there is no one besides you; there is no Rock like our God.” (1 Samuel 2:1-2) Hannah gave kudos where honor was due. She didn’t take the credit. She glorified God with her words.

She also trusted God for the outcome of her son’s life. Eli certainly didn’t have a good track record. His sons were examples of wickedness: contempt for the Lord’s sacrifice offering, abuse of power, and sleeping with the women who served at the entrance of the temple. I wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving my son with Eli. Nonetheless, Hannah put her trust in God’s ability to fulfill His plan for her son, Samuel’s, life.

How do we learn from Hannah’s story to deal with provocations from negative and difficult people in our own lives? 

1. Pray:  Ask God for help in your time of need. 
2. Seek professional help:  Ask a professional counselor to assist you in your difficult relationships.   
3. Seek out mentors:  Find people who will listen to you, and offer wisdom, honest and life-giving answers to help you deal with difficult people.
4. Surround yourself with true friends:  It may only be 2-3 people.  They are faithful, not gossips, honest, and build you up in your faith.  These are friends that you can count on in hard times.
5. Fulfill your vows. Let your “yes be yes, and your no, be no.” Matthew 5:37 Have integrity.  Don’t be lazy.
6. Don’t slander and gossip. Remember that each word you say, no matter how true it is, will come back to bite you! Talk with an experienced and trusted confidant, a true friend, or a counselor who will keep your business private. Don’t broadcast your feelings to anyone who will listen.
7. Don’t hold grudges. When you hold onto your right to hold a grudge, you are only hurting yourself. I know that from experience.   
8. Don’t be quick to judge others.
9. Give thanks in all things.    
10. Listen first, then speak. Ask yourself, “Am I doing most of the talking here? Or am I truly listening and asking questions to understand?”
11. Be slow to anger. It matters what you set your mind on. It’s always better to set your mind on lovely things.
12. Don’t get offended easily.
13. Be resolute, like Hannah. She was admirably purposeful, determined, and unwavering.  She was also courageous, noble, obedient, honorable (a woman of her word), uncomplaining, a woman of integrity, and faithful to the Lord and her promise to Him. 

My prayer is that these words will encourage you in your life and in your dealings with difficult people.